I wish

I wish I could write. I wish I could get myself out of bed most days. I wish I could take care of myself and do simple things like shower. I wish I could clean my house as often as it needs to be done. I wish I had an appetite. I wish I could be around people and be comfortable. I wish I could talk to people. I wish I could do things with my son. I wish I didn’t have to try and fake being normal and okay so much. I wish I could trust people. I wish I could sleep a full night on a regular basis. I wish I didn’t need meds just to get a few hours of sleep every few days. I wish those few hours of sleep weren’t interrupted by nightmares that wake me up into full panic attacks. I wish seeing something on TV wouldn’t make it hard to breathe and my heart to beat out of control. I wish I would be okay around people just having a simple disagreement without immediately needing to leave. I wish I didn’t have tonic clonic seizures because of something I have no control over. I wish my son didn’t see,hear and know the things he does. I wish I didn’t stay so long and put myself in that position hoping he would get it together while unknowingly giving myself severe PTSD. I wish I hadn’t of tried to end my life when I felt so trapped and seen no way out of the pain.

This is severe drug addiction from the point of view of the closest person to them. Drug addiction does not discriminate, it doesn’t care where you come from, your social status, whether you’re rich or poor, religious or not, your age, your race, how you were raised or your education and employment. Drug addiction doesn’t just take the addict’s life but those closest to them as well. It does not care and it will take everything from you.

When the nail finally hits

I wonder what my brain looks like when you smash them all together? LIT I would imagine🤯

When everything you've been saying all along happens and yet you're still powerless to do anything about it. #PTSDandBeyond #yoursafetyispriceless #YouTried#NotOkay #NotYourFault #Flashback #MentalHealthAwareness pic.twitter.com/TtLndqKrk0

— Jennifer Grant (@1BipolarUnicorn) August 1, 2022

5 years ago..

It’s been about 5 years since I decided to make a blog post. It wasn’t because I wanted to stop posting so abruptly, but the truth is life came at me hard and fast and never stopped and I wasn’t sure if it was things that I wanted to share with the world and quite honestly I wasn’t in any shape to formally content because I was just trying to keep myself going day by day.

5 years ago I was a single mom struggling with some mental and physical health issues, living alone with my amazing son trying to do my best to help him navigate the world around him and making sure he knew his that his autism couldn’t hold him back from anything he wanted to do in life..I’m still doing that except he’s almost taller than me now.

After being single for 6 years at that point I decided to dip my tor into the dating pool…very cautiously. Unbeknownst to me there was someone I already knew interested in me. He was this shy,nice, funny as hell guy I went to school with. I thought to myself thank God I don’t have to worry about meeting some creepy person online, who I don’t know..has a doll collection or will murder me in my sleep. The internet is a scary place folks and I think we’ve established I have major trust issues.

We dated maybe a month and parted ways because what I didn’t know were how big of a part drugs played in his life. He was always very respectful and honest about it and in the end he didn’t want my son and I to be involved in any part of that lifestyle. I was hurt but I also respected him greatly for thinking about our safety and for how up front he was when he did it.

After everything that happened,that boy turned into best friend. Someone who I talked every day,made terrible jokes with..he wasn’t meant to be my boyfriend but he was meant to be in my life forever.